dear anxiety

Dear Anxiety,


Quite frankly, I did not recognise you at first. I thought of you as a friend who was guiding me to the path of self-love, but instead, it was self-loathe. But we all have that one toxic friend we need to give up, and you, Anxiety, have earned yourself that tag.

You made me your puppet. You strung me along for a very long time, making me believe that you’re the angel, when you were the demon all along. You invaded my conscience as if my mind is your playground. After all of this, I’m afraid of you. I’m anxious about the smallest things. I’m anxious about being anxious.

Whenever I walked into a room full of people, you were there, standing right next to me, whispering into my ear, telling me that I should just go back out. It was you, who made my hands shake whenever someone acknowledged me publicly, converting positive feedback into negative ones. It was you who made me think that no one thought well of me, that everyone judged me no matter what I did. It was you who made me feel like I do not belong here. I kept perceiving these feelings as a confirmation, that at least I shielded myself from negative percipience.

At night, after I turn off the lights, I can see shadows of you, ready to haunt me in my dreams and turn them into nightmares. As I close my eyes and call it a day, there you are again, tying me to yourself so firmly, as I keep gasping for breath. I get that same nightmare again and again. As I wake up, frantic, in tears and a puddle of sweat, I put my hands against my chest, and feel you there, too.

It’s fascinating how you appear in different forms.

All this while, I thought it was claustrophobia. Well, I was wrong. It was you. You make me feel
You’ve stolen all my attention. You’re my “what if’s” that brings me to tears. Me peeling off the skin on my fingers, is just your way of telling me that I’m not good enough. It is as if I’m peeling off the layers of my personality that are so flawed, searching for that layer deep down, that might be perfect. It’s tantalising, is what it is. Each layer symbolises my confidence, and there you are, ripping it off one by one. Every drop of blood that comes out, adds to the negativity in my mind. You made me believe that staying low and invisible was the best thing I ever did. Point is, you feed off of my self-esteem, and into my deepest and darkest terrors.

Something about you is strangely very comforting. I thought of you as my safe haven. I thought of you as the only one who loved me, while in reality, you were the driving me away from everyone who loved me in spite of my flaws. I thought of you as the layer of protection around me, protecting me from danger. I never understood, until now, that you’re the danger. Every time my angst got the better of me, I thought I needed you there, holding my hand and walking me through it. But you did everything but that. I’ve never been able to face my fears because of you. 



But I still need you to go. I need my own space to breathe, live in and think. My thoughts are no longer yours to play around with anymore.

This is me walking away from you, and towards serenity.

There’s a part of me which has gotten so used to you, just because you held me back from everything, making my life easy because I never faced the demons inside my mind. And that part of me really does not want you to go. But this time, I’m going to face things differently. I’m going to face things my way. You’re not going to be making decisions for me anymore. So very slowly, one breath at a time, I’m letting you go.

-Not yours anymore.